My Very First Meeting.....Did Someone Really Say That?

I am sitting here thinking of my first experience with AA, my first meeting, back in the late 1980's.  Alcohol had become a problem in my life and knowing of no other way to deal with this problem, I went to my first AA meeting. 

I remember being glad that this meeting was held in a large room with easily over a hundred people.  It was easy to sit in the back of the room and blend in.  I had no idea of what to expect and I remember reading the steps up on the wall and noticing the fifth step, where "we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."  This should have been a major red flag to me right there and I do remember feeling as if there was just no way this could ever work if I was expected to admit to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  Especially with me trusting other people as well as I did at that point, uh huh.  Not to mention the inclusion of the concept of God - something that didn't completely turn me off but did make me wonder WTF is this really all about? 

I'd like to say I remember what the topic of my first meeting was about, but I don't.  What I do remember, however, is the repeated mention of something called The Big Book, which I assumed meant the Bible.  Once again I remember thinking, no way is this ever going to work for me.  But I did not get up and leave - and how I wish I had, looking back all these years later.  They say that hindsight is 20/20 but I do wish I could go back in time and rewrite this experience to have me leave the roomz of AA right then and there, never to come back.  But this was not how this script played out. 

I remember the room being full of smoke, and most of the people in the room were smoking.  There was a speaker in the front of the room talking about their drinking history and I saw people around the room nodding and then laughing at intervals at things that did not seem the slightest bit funny to me.  The speaker finished and then people started what they call sharing, and I found myself chosen to share a few shares in.  I had no idea what to do or say and I sat there like a deer in caught in headlights until someone muttered, just say your name and pass.  So I said my name is Rob and I pass, which earned me a smug remark from someone about whether or not I was an alcoholic as this was a closed meeting.  And I'm sitting there feeling stupid wishing that I could beam myself away from this situation.  Someone else jumped in and spoke and I was able to recover somewhat from not having any idea of what to say or how to handle that situation. 

I also had no idea of how the meeting ended but just watched everyone else and fell in with the Lord's Prayer, which I did not (and still don't to this day) understand had to do with anyone's problem drinking.  After the Lord's Prayer, a middle aged man approached me and asked if this was my first meeting.  He seemed kind and I said, yes, it was my first meeting.  Then this man said the following:  Sit down, take the cotton out of your ears, and shut the (expletive) up. I was a little stunned by this and slowly walked away and found myself walking out the door passed people in small groups, talking and laughing and smoking. 

My first meeting was very uncomfortable and I remember wishing I had never gone.  My first instinct was to not go back.  But drinking had become a problem by then and at this time in the late 80's there was no real awareness of alternatives and no real widespread awareness of the dangers lurking in the rooms from convicted felons and predators of all stripes. 

So I went back and eventually learned to "fit in" better.  I so wish I had listened to my gut and avoided years of drama and low self esteem trying to fit the square peg of AA into the round hole of my life.  No matter how much I "faked it 'till I maked it"  the square peg of AA never really was a good fit into the round hole of my life.  Too bad I can't time travel right now and rewrite the script as to how I allowed AA to enter my life! 

Should anyone reading this be new to AA and not feeling like they belong, my advice is to not make  my mistake and listen to your gut instincts.  And find other blogs telling the truths of the dangers in the rooms. Google to learn of the movement of people OUT of the rooms as opposed to in.  More importantly, find blogs and posts as to the reasons WHY people are leaving AA (and NA too) in droves.  There are valid and very legitimate reasons for this, and as I continue posting to this blog I will highlight many of the reasons.  I will share my experience, strength, and hope and I hope this helps just one person walk out the door marked exit and not make the same mistake I did in returning to the rooms time and time again.